The Vulnerable

I had a few thoughts I would like to share with you. I write my feelings often but I don't publish. I'm deviating from that today. So here goes...


The Vulnerable

On a day to day basis, I deal with demons. I fight to stay motivated, I laugh to keep from crying. I yell to muffle my fears, I find myself smiling to camouflage the true feelings, when I am alone. Sometimes I wonder why God chose me to take on this life, these pains, these years. I know you shouldn't second guess his work because he makes no mistakes but sometimes I can't help but think maybe I was the exception? My life has never been easy and I know this seems like a contradiction but I cant imagine life without its dirt and grim. I do wonder when will I be free??? I mean really free. Haunted because of your actions; the abandonment, dishonesty, crack pipes, burnt spoons, dirty needles, prostitution, abuse, promises, misguidance and mistreatment. Being nobody's daughter conjured a callous insecurity I was never aware of. Behind these brown eyes and capricious smile lies me, stripped. The truth is all I ever wanted was you to get your shit together. I now accept I was a bartering tool to get your fix. I sell myself short by letting the past drive my present, and so the present becomes the past quickly because I never embrace it. I never live in it. My struggle has been arduous but I think about the man or woman who has it 100x worse than me, and my jagged pill becomes a bit easier to swallow. I desire to break a dangerous cycle. Im planning my expungement from garbage. I look forward to a bright, successful, pity free me. Until then I will just play these cards with the best strategy that I know.

K.E.N ©