diary entry of an insecure girl (A series)

Thursday Feb 16th

Dear Chloe (Diary)
I'm going to call you Chloe because it feels weird addressing you as Diary. It makes me feel 12. Although naming you Chloe is probably just as weird. My logic in giving you a name is you're more like a friend I'm confiding in, rather than just a place to store my random thoughts. I don't even know if this is going to work for me, but whatever.

I'm always worried about him hurting me. I never want to feel that pain again. I've contemplated allowing him in because last time I let my guard down, I was attacked, and I didn't have any protection. I look through his phone, Facebook messages, twitter TL, and direct messages, because I fear losing him. I don't mean to upset him. I just need that reassurance, I need to know he's being true. I hate that part of me and I wish I could just stop these feelings but the truth is, I can't seem to keep the horrible jealous thoughts away. As soon as he goes out, I immediately assume he's going out to see someone else. He always keeps his phone on vibrate or silent and it makes me wonder, 'is that because he does not want me to hear him get a call or a message that might compromise us?' Sure, I could leave but that would just give the other women the upper hand and then they could just have him, which means I lose. Everyday I try not to compare him to the last one, who did me wrong, but how else do I learn from my past experiences? I don't wish to repeat the same mistakes. When I see the same suspect behavior in him and hear the same stories from him, it reminds me of my past because I've seen and heard it before.

A few dudes hit me on a regular asking "what's up" which is code for 'you still in a relationship with that guy?' or 'do you want to hook up?' I always say I'm happy with him. Im not happy and even though most would say I'm [in] secure, I hold him partially responsible because he doesn't give me the security and attention I desire. I don't feel like Im enough for him. So, maybe I will text one of these dudes back, maybe they will give me the attention I need? Of course it will not go beyond conversation. Plus it will give my boyfriend a little break, from my nagging. I know he hates when I nag him. This other guy seems like he would be a good friend. But I won't tell my boyfriend, I don't think he would understand.

Signed by an insecure girl.