Self Love 101

I have just had an experience in my life where I have had very ill feelings for a very good friend of mine. There are many emotions involved in these ill feelings so it is a bit complex but I will attempt to sum it up, to my best ability. It is your common supportive friend and back burner story. I was the supportive friend who was put on the the back burner. I have been full of anger, hurt feelings, and hate (which is a very uncomfortable state of mind). I just assumed I felt this way because my friend had hurt me but honestly, I do not think that is the ONLY reason. There is something within myself that I must find peace with. That is not to say that my friend is not in the wrong but there is more to my anger than merely her actions.


I know one of the reasons I got the most upset was because, I was upset at myself. I have had the same solid circle of friends for over 7 years, which has been fantastic. I do not let many in that circle or take on many (random) friends. I have several acquaintances but not to many best or close friends. I was upset at myself for letting my guard down and becoming vulnerable enough to allow someone to be shitted on.

I can be impulsive when I feel violated, it is like a defense mechanism. I know there is need for  self evaluation in this situation, and I intend to do so. A close friend told me, sometimes you have to let people learn the hard way, even the people you love. So, I will be letting this go...it may take time but I vow to let the drama, hurt, and misunderstanding go. I have so many other things going on in my life, that HAVE to focus on; friends that value and keep me in reasonable priority, and my health to name a few.  I do not pray on anothers downfall because I know karma is real and the universe takes care of ALL things. So, I do not have to be vindictive.


Ultimately, I know I need to work on loving and understanding myself so that I may stop beating myself up for my vulnerability or open trust. Because somethings you just can not avoid because neither of those things are negative. One most just be careful who they let utilize their vulnerability and open trust. My goal is to apply it as a life lesson and learn from it.

I am trying to defy paradox...I will talk about that another time.